Problems with friendships

Since I was 4 years old I have been dancing in a dancing group. Well it's not hip hop or something "very cool". It's a traditional Volksdancing group with an old costume, but I don't think I need to go in detail, because it is not that interesting. (However if there is someone, who wants to know about it, which i doubt, feel free to ask.)

Belonging to this group has helped me a lot but it also showed a bad side to me. Especially since I transferred from the children into the "young adult" group. (It contains mainly out of over 20 year olds and a friend of mine and I, who are younger)

So there is me and my friend Helen (That's not her name, but I will call her that). We've each other for more than 10 years. Though when we were younger, she was rather unpopular, from my point of view. I was her friend in that time to, but we didn't talk very much. 

At that time I had a best friend, who was also in our little kids dance group. We were in kindergarten together and it was the easiest thing being around her. I liked her for the way she was, as well as she liked me for what I was. She was the friend I thought I'd always have contact with. But of course things turned out differently.

A few years ago something started to change. We were too old for the kids group and too young for the next and so we all kind of stopped with the traditional thing.
I was still in school with both of them and I was in class with Lauren (That's how I'll call the other girl). 

That was also a hard time for me. I started having panic going to school. I don't know exactly why, it just was there. Around others I would feel totally alone. I thought that I didn't deserve friends anymore. I locked myself up from my own life. 

In those days I could have really used a best friend, but Lauren wasn't there for me. She didn't look at me anymore. For me it seemed like from one day to the other I was nothing anymore. A lonely girl no one wanted to know. I often tried to keep in touch with her. She never answered properly. 

I don't know if she actually knew what was going on with me. Maybe she was just not informed, but today I'm sure she knew and she just didn't care at all.
If it had been her, I would have cared. I would have been there for her or at least try.

Some years have passed since then and I'm way better now. Which is really good.

Now I'm in the older group with Helen and she is a good friend really, but she somehow came close to Lauren, when I was this emotional wreck and they are "best friends".
It makes me so sick just thinking about it. Lauren did talk bad about Helen when we were younger. Apparently people can change there mind in both ways.

So now I have to listen to Helen talking about her great friendship with Lauren and how fun it is with her. In social medias I see their pictures and some posts. That's not fair. It makes me so angry, sad, unimportant. 

I guess that feeling will never fully go away, but I try to handle it. I never want to fall that deep again. 

It's just that I don't want Helen to remind me about that all the time and I don't know if I can tell her about how I feel. Maybe she won't understand... .

Can someone relate to this kind of situation? Or have any tips?

I would love to hear what someone else thinks about it!

Love 
eanna xx

Piano struggles

There are a few things I ask myself on a regular basis.

One is: Am I actually good at anything?

I don't know how many people have this question on there mind too, but I guess there are some...

Usually my answer is that I'm good at playing piano. However what does that actually mean? Am I a good pianist or is it just my imagination?

I do know that I'm good for myself, but that doesn't necessarily mean that others feel the same. 

And when I have those thoughts I get stuck in them, which most of the times just totally brings me down.

In my school we have instrumental lessons and there is this girl in my class, that my teacher treats differently. Somehow it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, because I play since over 10 years and she only plays 7 (only...). 
During the lesson the others and I get like 5 minutes to play and she plays 50. My teacher then tells me in those 5 minutes that apparently I don't do my best and I know she just wants that I "play as good as my classmate". 

Well today I just think that she's not right, because I am good and I can play the songs I like just as good or even better then others, but for some months I just didn't want to play. I couldn't come near the piano. It would make me sick just thinking about playing, since every time I sat down and laid my hands on the keyboard those thoughts of my badness always came up and I didn't fight it.

Somehow one day I talked to an other girl in my class about that and she totally agreed with me and she then said to me: What are you talking about! I heard you play and in my opinion you where far better then our teacher thinks and far better then... .

Better. 

When I think about it now it's kind of sad that I needed someone to tell me that I was better then someone to make me feel better. But it did. 

Playing piano is something I am passionate about, though I don't want to think about being better or filling up the expectations of others.

I just want to play. Enjoy it. Let it fill me with happiness, that's all it is about. Doing it for yourself. It doesn't matter what it is. But if you feel good about it, it shouldn't bother you one minute what someone else thinks. You are good at something. 

Everyone is.

Yours
Eanna